


If Time Is All I Have

by Lunaxx



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Confusion, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Sad, Sexual Confusion, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-04-10 10:56:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4389092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunaxx/pseuds/Lunaxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm not good at these…You wake up, but you have no recollection to where you are, and why you're there. You only remember brief flashes of the scariest time in your life--The Fall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Fall

It hurt so bad. All you could feel was the slow ripping of…some part of your body; you couldn't really discern it right now. Everything hurt, and it didn't stop. It only stopped when you went back to sleep, back into the darkness that you seemed to live in forever. That's how you lived, what you did outside of the darkness was nonexistent--because it wasn't you.

~  
It all came back to you again, but it wasn't like all the other times you had become conscious. You didn't hurt as much as you had before, no. There was hardly any pain. But it was cold, maybe your limbs had finally frozen and gone numb. 

'It would've been a nice change.' You thought, but since things were different you finally tried to open your eyes. Without a fight, your lids slid open and let in the bright white light. You let out a indiscernible sound from your lips, the light in your eyes didn't feel right. It stung, it hurt, like you hadn't been awake for centuries. Your lids wanted to close again, but you willed them to stay open. The minutes slipped by grudgingly but your eyes, they were finally adjusting! You could see where you were for once, before you went back under! Joy overwhelmed you, you would finally see your world; no matter how bad it was.

White. It was all white. You had to narrow your eyes, it wasn't just white but white tiles. The room was nothing but white tiles, and a white door that was frustratingly right in front of you. So this is where you've been? A small, square, and white room? It wasn't bigger than a smallish bedroom, and you guessed the hard metal table under you was the bed. That's when you realized how sore your body was. In your excitement you had forgotten to even look down at yourself, and realize your situation. 

You were strapped to the table.

By metal restraints no less! Did…whoever capture you think that you, a girl, could possibly break out of this place? Who did capture you? You couldn't remember, you could hardly remember what happened before all of this. Who you were before all of this? But you were soon distracted by what you saw when you looked down at your body. 

One, you were naked! Completely naked! Your skin was practically glowing under the fluorescent lights. What…what had they done? But you noticed something else, a glint in your peripheral vision. Metal. Where your arm should've been! 

This realization, this answer you came upon made you jump. Your muscles hit the restraints and it hurt! It felt like your skin was on fire, and you could feel the arm pulling on your shoulder's socket. You couldn't stop though, it was instinct now; to escape. To survive. You pulled on the restraints again, and heard the metal groan with the tremendous force that was being applied to it.

You yanked your extremities again, and the metal finally gave way. With a loud metallic SNAP, the metal remnants flew to all sides of the room, clanging to the ground loudly. You felt your heart race in your chest uncontrollably, sweat traveled down your forehead even if it was freezing in the room. Your gaze went over the room, an animalistic haze filled your head as you headed for the door. Your legs though, had a different idea for you. They seemed like bricks, and as your eyes traveled down and ended up on the worthless extremities they were littered with scars and bruises. There was no pain, only numbness. 

But right now, that didn't matter. You needed to get out, you wanted your freedom that's all that mattered. Finally, willing your legs to move, you stumbled to the white door. It was smooth to your touch, obviously another heavy metal door to keep you locked inside. Obviously the people who had captured you had the right idea, but even then without anyone to supervise you…what prevented you from just walking out? 

Could you even do it? What if you were completely alone here? The likelihood of them leaving you alone, whoever they were, seemed near impossible. What had happened to them? All these thoughts crossed your mind, but the unbearable need to be outside of this room was getting to you, and so you finally gripped onto the handle of the door and yanked.

Surprisingly it was open. These people must've left in a hurry…or worse. But you didn't want to think about that right now. The..metal arm was hurting and you wanted to get out; get somewhere else. It didn't seem possible, as you saw the immeasurably long hallway that you had to walk down. It seemed unending, especially with fatigue already plaguing your body. The adrenaline had to be depleting from your blood as you felt yourself getting exhausted. The memory of going to sleep, and not known when you'd wake up kept you going though as you started to stumble down the hallway. 

You passed doors, placed a yard apart exactly. 

Two doors…another two doors…another.

It just seemed to go on, and they were all closed the little light above them glowing red. You figured it meant that they were locked or empty. Either way, your prerogative was not to open those doors, or to be curious about your surroundings but to just LEAVE. But something jogged you out of your determination, the sound of something cutting air and a loud thud onto the ground outside that immense metallic door. 

Your heart started to race, you couldn't be captured again! You couldn't let that happen, not all over again. Whoever these people were, they were fucked up and needed to be eradicated. Quickly you started to limp-run towards the door, there was two hallways on either side that diverged from each other, if you could make it…you could get away. 

You hurried as fast as your numb clumsy feet could carry you, but it wasn't fast enough. The door slid open quickly and slammed against the wall, the man..you couldn't tell as light flooded in and just made him a silhouette. He was big though, burly. You weren't going to be taken alive, and instantly you charged him. Something willed you to, and it certainly wasn't your own feet. They could hardly carry you as it is. Your feet were so uncoordinated you slammed into him sloppily but he stumbled back with a loud grunt, surprised probably that there was anyone here. Or that you were the only one left. 

He quickly had you pinned onto the wall, him breathing heavily. He tried to say something, but it was drowned out when you slammed the metal arm across his face, using your own arm as a blunt object? Check. A crack was heard, but it didn't seem to deter him as he tried to restrain you, and you could hear his voice now.

"Y/N! Y/N!?" The man seemed frantic, what was he saying? It was a name of some sort, did he think it belonged to you? This was too confusing, but finally the stress of your entire situation got to you, and you could feel the whole place spinning and yourself falling..

~

The train. You fell, and you could see him. Staring down back at you, almost in horror. But you felt yourself slipping down into the white abyss of snow and flurries. It was it, this was going to be the day you die, and the last person you saw was him. Steve. His voice echoed through the canyon. 

Y/N! Y/N!..it just seemed to be getting quieter…and you felt yourself hit.

~  
"Y/N!" The same voice..it shouted, it was right next to you. A strong hand gripped onto your forearm, you could only predict he was gripping the metal contraption as hard but you couldn't feel it. That was a bad dream, it had to've been. Your eyes slowly fluttered open to see the man that was leaning over you. You weren't in the "bad place", you were in…something totally different. 

But the man that stared down at you wasn't a stranger, completely different. It was Steve. Could you even talk? You haven't even tried to respond, or even speak a word back in the lab? Was it a lab? 

"Steve?" You tried to sound confident, tried to say it clearly, but it only came out in a hoarse whisper. It was like you haven't spoken for ages, or wasn't allowed to speak for however long. You could see his eyes soften, those beautiful blue eyes. He looked the same as he did before…so it couldn't have been long after you fell. 

"Steve, you're okay…" You whispered again, your voice still not working like you wanted it to, but it could get your message across. 

"The mission, you won right? We won? You came back for me right, we can just go back now, we can go back home. I heard you had a dance waiting." There was so much you wanted to say, even though the thought of Peggy brought pains back to your heart, but he stared at you, contemplating on how to tell you everything that's happened. 

"Y/N…" He started, and shook his head. "..This isn't what you think, Y/N. Things have changed. A lot of things. This isn't back then."

Back then? What the hell did he mean, "back then"? Your eyes must've given your confusion away, but he just smiled sadly and shook his head. 

"You'll see soon enough, but you need to rest. I can't let you get hurt anymore than you already are. They did terrible things…I won't let them do that to you again. I swear, Y/N." That was Steve. Protective till the end, and it was comforting. After all of the cold that you endured, it was nice. After everything you couldn't remember, and the horrific replay of the only thing you could remember; in which you thought you died, it was comforting to know Steve was still here. 

Your eyes stared up into his for a moment. 

"Thanks, Dollface." You coughed out, and it brought a tug of a smile to his face. For the longest time, you loved that face. You had loved that face for a long while, this man..before he got huge. But Peggy was always in his sights, but from what you remember that was a no brainer, she was a badass lady. You had been too, but not in a position of relative power like she was, you were just a woman who had been placed in that group of men. 

And kicked ass.

Steve's POV:

He had stayed beside you the whole time you were out, even if you were awake he wouldn't move. He had his friend back, but he didn't know how to feel about the changes about her. God, what had they done? What had HYDRA done, he couldn't believe the assassinations were done by this woman he knew so long ago. 

"She could barely stand on her own." He said, Natasha watching his small reactions in his face. Steve always hated when she did that, it always made him feel uncomfortable. 

"How could she have done anything, I want to know what they did to her Nat." Steve said, his voice shaking as he sat beside the limp body of his friend, Y/N. Natasha's eyes softened, and she let out a sigh. 

"I'm sure Bruce can give you the answers you need, and probably the answers she wants. I doubt she remembers much if she was put through so much trauma. Trauma can do a lot to a person's mind." She gave Steve a knowing look, and finally turned back to go up to the front of their aircraft, leaving Steve alone with you. 

"I thought I saw the last of you.." His hand gently caressed your cheek as you slept, and he let out a sigh, and remained by your side the whole way back to the base.


	2. Realizations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this one is moreso getting yourself righted, and figuring out how things have changed…and maybe realizing something that hurts more than your damn metal arm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm trying to improve! I really am, and I hope you enjoy this.

They were all laughing. The men from before, your recognized their voices. Each and everyone of them distinct, their own pitch, their own terrible sound. Everything seemed more clear, you had no idea why. Even with your eyes closed and being hardly conscious you could FEEL the room around you. But the pain brought you back, it always did. A stabbing pain that jolted through you like a lightning bolt, and before you could stop yourself a scream rocketed out of your throat

~

You thrashed yourself awake in a flurry of pain and confusion. Something was wrapped around you, was it the restraints again? Had they captured you? Had you failed again? Before you could even think about getting up, you felt hands grip onto your shoulders. You could sense they had no intent of hurting you, but you were like a cornered animal; fearing for its life. 

"Y/N! Hey, you're okay!" Steve. It was Steve? Finally the events from before came back to you; the lab, the ship he had dragged you on, but this wasn't on a ship. You weren't moving like it was. Finally you let your eyes settle on your surroundings, it was a room. A huge room, bigger than your house you had back when you had one. 

"Y/N, you need to let me explain a few things. Please buddy." Steve's hands were gingerly coaxing you to lay down, you finally glanced over at him your Y/H/C hair sweeping out of your vision finally. You hadn't been dreaming, it was him. Steve Rogers, your best friend, your love since you were children.

"Explain what, Steve?" You finally asked, your voice coming out harsher than you had intended. Whether was just because of what you've been through or not wasn't evident yet. He frowned, and glanced away from you clearly troubled. 

"It's not during the war anymore, Y/N. It's…a long time after." He frowned, being vague was always his go to comfort when saying something he didn't want to say. You grimaced, dealing with this before you were caught by the other side would've been fine, but right now you wanted answers.

"What? How long? 5 years? 10? I don't feel that damn old." You replied curtly, and Steve let out a frustrated sigh.

"Try around 70." You froze. What? 70 years? What did he mean 70 YEARS? 70 god DAMN YEARS? You looked down at your hands to check if you weren't a wrinkled prune yet. You instantly were off the bed and in front of the nearest mirror, which was in the bathroom. You stared at yourself. From what you could tell, you looked the same you had before you had went on that mission.

"No, no no no..Steve, normally I'd be ecstatic that I didn't age but…but this is crazy! What the fuck did those bastards do?! What the fuck is wrong with me, Doll?" The nickname escaped from your mouth before you could stop it. It was second nature to call Steve that, especially since it was just a nickname to tease him with; although you did hope he would call you that at some point. You wanted to be angry, you wanted to tear something apart, but anguish overwhelmed you. 

"What have they done? Why am I this THING?" You mumbled under your breath, and could see Steve watching you out of the corner of your eye in the mirror. He looked hurt, he probably didn't want to see his best friend like this. 

"Y/N, you're not a thing. They hurt you, I'm not going to lie to you bud. They hurt you, they changed you, they made you do terrible things but they won't do that ever again. I swear." He stepped forward and engulfed you in his giant arms. The hug hurt, since it tugged on the arm but it felt nice even then. Steve felt you flinch and quickly took his hands off of you, much to your dismay. But a question burned in the back of your mind. What about Peggy? Did Steve not age either? What had even happened after you had fallen?

"Steve…" Your voice cracked, you couldn't help it. This subject was touchy, especially since you had liked him since you both were younger. 

"What happened with Peg?" You finally pushed the question out, and Steve seemed to freeze before averting his gaze away from yours quickly. Everything about him seemed dejected about him. It must've been bad, she must've…she didn't…

"I…God, Y/N. It's been terrible. I was frozen, I flew the ship into the ice, and I froze myself. I remained this way, this age for the longest time. Then this organization called S.H.I.E.L.D found me, and…I've had a lot to learn about the world." He paused for a moment. "Especially that things don't last forever. It's only you and me, Y/N. At least I have you left."

Your heart broke as you saw him standing there in front of you, looking like a sad puppy. He's had that look for the longest time, even now that he was bigger and "super soldier Steve", he still had that same look. It showed just because Steve was changed, the outside didn't matter. On the inside, he was still the same man.

"I can't remember much Steve, I'm sorry about Peg. She was a nice woman, and you two…well you two would've made one hell of a team, I know that much." Your non-metallic hand patted him on the shoulder, as he let out a sigh and forced a smile. 

"Thanks, Y/N. Now let's get out of the bathroom, I don't think it's very comfortable for you in here. You're going to get a few days to rest and lounge around, but I'm sure you'll want to meet everyone else." He explained as he lead you back to sit on his bed, which was rather comfy. 

"What other team do you have now?" Your head was still whirling from the fact that it wasn't the year you seemingly died in, but apparently almost 70 years afterwards. 

Steve grinned as you asked and he shook his head, "one of the…strangest teams I think I've ever had. We call ourselves The Avengers, we're not that interesting." 

You couldn't help but laugh, he was obviously just trying to be modest, or it was classified and even Steve was hesitant around you. The only team you had ever really been in hadn't really gone too well…especially after the fall. You wondered what had come of them? They couldn't have all died from the mission…then it hit you.

Why didn't any of them come back for you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup. Realizing no one came back for you kind of has to hurt, even if you were just told by Steve he was frozen for a good long time.


	3. First Impressions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your temper flairs, you've never been good at controlling it. The fact that you were left for dead doesn't sit well with you either. What will become of this bittersweet reunion.

      "Wait, you mean to tell me you left me there?" You stared at him with a disgusted expression. A deep rage started to seep into your chest, your hands going into fists. Your metal arm still felt like it was going to fall out of its socket at any minute but right now that didn't matter. "You NEVER CAME BACK?!" You screamed as Steve's expression hardened.

  "Y/N, please. I couldn't. You knew the mission we were going on. I missed you, and I regretted ever letting you go on that mission with me. But I crashed that damn ship into ice to protect everyone, I froze myself. I couldn't do anything!" Steve shot back but it only made your blood boil even more. You wanted to scream, lash out, punch SOMETHING, but another voice (rationality probably) screamed at you to not. To calm down, to talk it out. Steve was your friend, and someone you had loved--or still did love. You weren't sure, everything seemed fuzzy right now and honestly it was hard to comprehend what was going on. You were surprised that you were even awake right now. But this anger, it was something that was deeply engrained into you. They made you this way.

"Steve you left me there to die! You could've sent someone back! You fucking LEFT ME THERE TO DIE!" You shouted again and stepped forward swinging at him with your arm. It was clumsy, hardly your normal style of fighting; but it hurt. Steve quickly grabbed onto your good arm and twisted your hand behind your back, which made you growl out in anger. It didn't hurt as much as it normally would, considering you were used to things like this. Training for HYDRA was way worse than anything anyone could imagine; including Steve. What they did was monstrous, but no one stopped them. Maybe you deserved it? Steve held you close to his body, you could feel his chest against your back. 

 You tried to rip free but he just gripped tighter onto your arm. You were weak right now. A brief memory flashed through your mind, and you flinched. It was them, it was always them working their way back into your memory even though you thought you had been freed of them:

_"Fight!" The voice on the monitor called down into the dimly lit arena. It was only you, and a big hulking man. His muscles bulged and his veins seemed to pop out at least an inch from his actual skin. What had they done to him? That question didn't matter now, the only thing that did was the fact that you needed to kill him. Failure was not an option. This was not just a freakshow to show off the best abomination, but it was to gain trust from the HYDRA scientists. They put their creations up against each other to fight, to die, and to win._

_The thing stared down at you, it was menacing, his face was completely cut up. Cybernetics covered a quarter of it, his eye replaced by a beady red dot. You quickly learned what that was for as it let out a laser blast and hit directly where you were. You had always been fast so your reflexes bounded you out of the way. Your hands quickly went to your sides where the knives you fought with were sheathed. A sick smirk played on your lips as you had landed behind the big brute. He may've been big, and stronger than you. But you were faster, smaller, and smarter. They must've taken out his brain for him to become a lapdog like this. You ran forward, your feet slamming into his back, which propelled you onto his shoulders._

_Scars ran down his back from the nape of his neck. They must've implanted much more below the skin that you couldn't see. But, without hesitation you slammed the knives through his neck, blood and what seemed like oil spewed from his neck and into the air. Some of it even coming up into your face. You sputtered as you leaned back and tore the knives all the way down its back, the brute flailing as you did so. As you rip through the mixture of bone, flesh, and machine it falls forward with a loud solid thud. The buzzer goes off, signaling that the doors opened to allow the clean up team to enter...and take you away._

_The clicking of guns being pointed at you made you sheath the knives back at your sides._

_"Follow." The voice said over the intercom, but you knew what was coming. Instead of them allowing you to follow you felt a hard blow to the head...and then darkness._

 You must've went limp because Steve was now shaking you. He had turned you around to face him and your Y/E/C eyes fluttered open to meet his. Steve stared down at your worriedly, his hands now gripping your shoulders. 

 "Y/N? Hey..Hey. I'm sorry I had to do that, are you okay?" He asked softly, barely above a whisper. It was hard to speak, it was like cotton filled your mouth. How many more people had you killed like that? Ruthlessly and without a second thought? How many died without being missed, and how many more did they experiment on to try and beat you? How many? You gritted you teeth, you were a monster.

 "I don't want to stay here. I can't stay here." You said through gritted teeth and Steve looked at you confused. 

"You have to stay here, you're not going to be safe if you leave. We can protect you!" Steve exclaimed but you shook off his hands from your shoulders.

"The only thing you have to protect is yourself. From me. I've hurt people without caring, I am a monster." You said, your voice shaking. It felt so hard to say out loud, to admit. Steve's eyes softened and you couldn't help but still feel weak at the knees from that look. The look that you loved more than anything before this had happened to you. Before the real you died.

  "I'm not afraid of you, Y/N. You just need help, we can help you work through this. You don't need to trust them just yet, but...but you can trust me." Steve held out his hand like he was trying to coax out a scared animal. Technically, you were right now. Your eyes flickered towards his hand and then back up to his face. Your mind was going a million miles an hour, too many thoughts to think straight.

"You should be." You whispered, and all he could do was smirk and shake his head like you were a child.

"No, believe me. I couldn't ever be afraid of you, princess." Princess? Now you remembered, that was nickname that normally made you angry. Before, when you were in training with him, he would do it to make you perform better. You beat him more than once because he had gotten you fired up to the point of smashing him into a table and completely breaking it. But that was for a different time. Now it made you feel...safe. It reminded you of good memories, and you no longer felt anger towards it. You felt loved. You doubted he felt the same way for you after Peggy but, you were at least getting a pet name out of it.

"Shut up, Spandex." You retorted in an almost "normal you" fashion. His face lit up and he let out his beautiful laugh. 

"I knew you were in there." Steve mumbled as you took his hand and he lead you towards the couch. "Look, that team I told you about? The Avengers? They're going to be here to meet you soon. We're going to help you. They just went out to find Natasha, she normally knows how to deal with this stuff."

Natasha? Who the hell was Natasha? Your jaw tightened but you didn't say anything. There was no point in getting jealous right now, you didn't even know the full situation--and besides Steve had never been into you so you had no right. Right? Before you could even speak up the door opened and in stepped...a myriad of people.

"Sorry we're late." A man with curly brown hair said, bushy, and he looked intelligent. 

"Brought takeout though!" Another man said, he looked vaguely familiar...Tony Stark. That's his name. You had seen him whilst doing a mission before--it was only a brief memory but you saw his name and face somewhere on a billboard..or maybe it was just an ad on a television. You couldn't quite remember. Steve slowly stood up and pulled you along with him.

"Everyone this is Y/N. My best friend. And HYDRA's greatest assassin." 

...What a great first impression.

"So you're the one he's been talking about?" A woman with short red hair asked and stepped down towards me. Right now they were all wearing normal clothes, probably because they had gone out and gotten food. She must be Natasha as I saw no other women within the team. 

"An assassin?" A man asked, with short brown hair, a big nose. You always noticed the stupidest things about people. 

"I wouldn't underestimate her Barton." The one with the bushy hair said. His voice was gentle, who was he? 

"I'm Bruce Banner, it's nice to meet you finally. I know this is all pretty crazy right now.." He stuck out his hand, and you stared at it for a moment. You really didn't have the best etiquette and your arm truly did hurt. Nonetheless though, you took his hand and he shook it gently. 

"Now, are we getting down to business or what? We're ripping that thing out right?" The Stark asked, and you couldn't help but frown and step away with a growl. They were going to DO WHAT?! 

"You aren't touching me." You said instinctively, and you felt your body go rigid, your hands balling into fists. Bruce sighed and turned to Tony.

"Really? Can't you just shut up for a second?" He asked indignantly. He turned back to you and put his hands up. "We're not going to do anything without your consent, but I can tell that thing is hurting you more than you let on." Your eyes flickered to the metal contraption at your side and you frowned. It was true, it hurt more than they could ever imagine. Especially after what it seemed to be through when you were waking up in that facility. You don't know what the hell you had done to it, but it wasn't good.

"I just want to look at it, to see the effects it has on your body. How they..even did it with the technology we have today. And, possibly, give you a better one. One that doesn't hurt so bad. That's where Tony comes in." Bruce motioned to the one I already didn't like over his shoulder.

"Aren't I great? Giving you new appendages." He grinned and stepped up beside Banner. "It'll be fully moveable, and it won't be tugging at your skin like I see that one already doing. Good God, I should really punch the person who put that in. Do all of the HYDRA engineers suck?" Tony rambled, and you just stared at him for a moment.

"Listen to your friend, and shut up." You finally muttered, and Barton laughed from behind you.

"I like her. Steve, where did you say you met?" He asked, and Natasha glanced over to Steve as well.

"The Army." Steve said, his arms folded as he studied you. "I met her in the army." 

You're glad you made such a good impression on him...god knows he did for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm really sorry. This went to the back of my mind as school started, and things just kept piling up atop each other. So I'm finally going to write a chapter for this and see where it goes! Thank you for waiting so patiently dear reader.
> 
> I'm also terribly sorry it's so short.


	4. Deserved It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad you guys really like this, and thank you for those of you who comment because it makes writing this all easier, I hope you enjoy!

     You felt their eyes still gazing upon you, but Steve's explanation seemed to cull their curiosity for now, which you were thankful for. You were still confused how any of this happened, and getting brief flashes of the terrible things that happened made you on edge. You bit the inside of your cheek to keep yourself busy as Natasha and the Barton guy started to talk off on their own. Steve continued to stand beside you though, at least 5 inches taller than you. Normally it made you feel safe and secure, but right now you just felt small. 

    "So, Y/N, can you remember anything?" Bruce asked gently as he lead you over to Steve's couch and sat you down. He seemed like a doctor, although he didn't formally say his title it was easy to tell. He cared for people more than the normal citizen would. You sat next to him without an argument, mostly because Steven continued to be at your side the whole time. You searched your mind, the only things you had were the brief flashes you experienced before, and then the time you woke up in that facility. 

   "Not much, no." You shook your head, your matted hair clinging to your face. It was quite uncomfortable and you could feel your scalp starting to itch. How long had it been since you had taken a shower or a bath? You visibly grimaced, and Bruce let out a small laugh.

"What's the look for?" Bruce asked with a small smile, and you could only feel your cheeks getting a bit warm.

  "I stink." You said bluntly, and Steve shook his head beside you. 

"All of this, and that's what you notice?" He asked, and patted your shoulder. It was something that mattered! You were surrounded by people, and Steve no less, and you were  _finally able to take a shower_. Damn straight it mattered!

   "Yes.." you said hesitantly, with a side glance towards the blonde man. "I want to take a shower before we continue anything.." you mumbled meekly, and Steve's eyes rested on you for a moment. He seemed like he was going to say something but didn't. 

"Come with me, I'm sure you don't want to change back into the clothes you have on so, I'll give you some of mine." Steve glanced over to Bruce as a goodbye and lead you across the living room, his hand on your upper back. He lead you into his room, which was big--bigger than you guys ever had it back when you were both..normal. He walked over to a dresser and started to pick out a shirt and sweatpants.

"They're going to be big on you, but I think you already knew that." He smiled cheekily and turned to face you. You couldn't help but gaze around his room and take in the details...there were none to take in. It was a bare room, boring. It made sense since he was in this group, The Avengers, and what he did was save people all the time. But you remembered all the things he used to have in his room, the posters, the radio, things strewn about after you all were done playing and his mother called you both in for supper. It made you homesick, except it's a home you could never return to. Everyone you knew was dead, from the war or from old age, and here you were young as you were before.

"Hey? Y/N? You in there?" You finally realized Steve was standing right in front of you, waving his hand in front of your expressionless face. You jumped, being pulled back to reality. 

"Oh, yeah, sorry." You said quickly, the fog of those memories quickly getting shoved to the back of your head. Steve's lips twitched down into a frown and you could tell he didn't believe you one bit, but he didn't push you any further which you were grateful for.

"Here..the bathroom is right there, it connects to my room." He pointed to the door across the room. You raised your eyebrows, but were happy that you didn't have to go out into that crowded room with the others in there until you were fully cleaned up. You headed into the bathroom and closed the door behind you. Turning towards the mirror you stared at your reflection. Your Y/E/C eyes stared back at you, although right now they seemed dead. There was no happiness, and there only seemed to be a deep set frown on your face. Your face was covered with dirt and grime still, your Y/H/C hair was matted on your head; it seemed like years of dirt was collecting in it and it just made you squirm with uneasiness. But that was the least of your worries, your eyes finally managed to settle on your arm. The hulking, metallic, burden of an arm.

  It was horrible. You already hated it, and seeing it in its entirety almost made you sick. What had they done to you? You moved the metal fingers with easy, but you still felt the pain pulsing through your shoulder where it was attached. They must've installed it improperly, like Tony had said. They  _did_ do a horrible job. There was a single red star painted on the upper arm, and the rest was just clean and shiny metal. 

 "At least it's not rusted.." You mumbled. Soon you stripped and didn't both looking at your body in the mirror. You knew it had to be covered in ugly scars from either surgeries or from fighting, and you couldn't take seeing that on your skin right now. The arm was enough for today. 

You had trouble turning on the shower, it was modern obviously, and completely different than you were used to. But when the cold water hit your skin for the first time you felt yourself cower away from it instinctively:

_"Stop!" You shouted, but they just threw the freezing cold water onto your naked body once more. It was to make you stronger, they said. It was to condition you for the areas you might be traveling in. They needed to make you numb to everything. It was freezing though, you hated it. It hit you like a thousand needles stabbing into your skin and you couldn't help shivering. That only made them angrier, but it stopped. You felt big hands grab your arms and drag you into a cell. It was damp, cold, and the metal of the walls didn't help._

_They threw you into the cell and your body landed in a heap on the floor. The door shutting with a 'whush' and then silence. It was quiet. Too quiet, and it made you want to go insane, to scream and to yell. But you couldn't, you knew what would happen if you did. There were worse things than the water here. Much worse._

 You quickly shook yourself out of the memory and let out a shaky breath. If these are the things they wanted you to remember, then you didn't want to remember. You didn't want these memories to come back no matter how much those people out there needed them. No matter how much Steve wanted them. You turned the faucet to where the water was scalding hot. You made sure you would never feel those needles in your skin, that was never going to happen again. Once inside the shower, steam rose to fill the room and you finally felt relaxed. 

  Finally you looked down to see the water running murky, it was cleaning off years of dirt from your skin and it felt liberating. Soon enough the burning hot water completely washed your skin clean. You could actually see your Y/S/C skin, gleaming through the steam. You sighed and finally turned off the water and pulled back the shower curtain. The room was completely fogged up, although you didn't mind much considering it was nice to be clean finally. You quickly pulled on Steve's big shirt and his sweatpants; he was definitely not lying about it being big on you. He was taller than you, and his muscles made the arms of the shirt hang on you.

 Soon you left the humid bathroom and went back into Steve's bedroom, the boring walls still glaringly obvious. It made you sad to think that he lost his personality, and he wasn't able to to live his life the way he expected, but you guessed life  _is supposed to be_  unexpected. Steve wasn't in his bedroom, so he was probably in the other room with the others, and you couldn't help yourself. 

Curiosity killed the cat...

You started to gently sift through some of the drawers, looking for any sign of Steve's past personality. The one that always wanted to help people; which he obviously eventually got what he wanted...just not in the way he hoped. You moved some of the things in his misc. drawer. There was a few unimportant things, like a used wallet (empty by the way); but then you stumbled onto a picture that made your heart race. It was old, hardly like what they have today obviously. It felt like it was about to fall apart, but there it was. 

You and Steve. You were both in normal clothes, and there was a carnival behind you. You remembered what happened, it was a nice day, it was before anything bad was happening and a guy had pulled you guys over to his booth. 

_"Take your picture here! You won't find it cheaper! Save your memories like magic!" You heard the guy say to the both of you. You had just wanted to have a little fun before you were to leave. Steve was about your height, maybe a little taller, skinny, asthmatic; but he was Steve. Your best friend, and someone you had fallen for a long time ago. A grin spread across Steve's face, and he nodded._

_"Come on, Y/N. It'd be fun, you can hang it up for when you leave. Or I can keep it to remind myself how much better you are than me." He winked and you rolled your eyes, but his good nature always got to you. He was so brave and so kind._

_"Fine, fine!" You giggled, and you both stood in front of the old big camera. It was definitely clanky, and you didn't really understand how one guy could lug it around like he did. His head went under a black piece of cloth, and you and Steve both smiled. The carnival raged behind you and right when the camera went off fireworks shot up into the sky._

_You don't know when Steve got the picture back, but when he did it was a few days later. It had to be developed (and you knew that now)._

_"It looks really good." He said, as you both sat outside his house on the steps. You could feel that he was sad; frustrated that he couldn't get into the army because of what plagued him._

_"Hey..Steve, you know I'm going to miss you right? And I'll write...you know they won't put me on the front lines or anything, yet, but I'll tell you about every exciting thing." You smiled at him, leaning back and propping yourself up with your arms. Steve glanced up and met your gaze with a small smirk._

_"I just want to be there to protect you. You maybe a little taller, but you're still younger."_

You'd always remember him saying that to you, and even now, after however many years passed it still got your heart to flutter. You shook your head and placed the picture back where it belonged, including all of his other things. You shut the drawer quickly, until you heard the door open and your head snapped to attention. 

"Whoa, it's okay, it's just me." Steve put his hands up, and you let out a breath. Thank god he didn't come in sooner...that would've been bad. "I was just coming to check up on you, but I see that you're done." He smiled gently, and walked closer. 

  "Are they still waiting for me?" You asked, and Steve nodded. 

"But you don't have to rush yourself, I know they can be quite..intimidating at first. And you haven't seen people in forever..and-"

Before he could start to ramble on and on and worry himself you quickly stopped him, "it's okay. I'll be fine...thank you Steve." You said, and he let out a reassured breath.

"Sorry, I'm still used to being a protective big brother." He laughed and scratched the back of his head. The way he moved made your eyes take him in fully, he had changed so much but his personality hadn't. He was still courageous and still the kindest person ever. Just...with some added features. You two made your way outside to the others. Natasha had apparently left because of this S.H.I.E.L.D. business, but the rest were still there. Bruce was still on the couch, waiting patiently. Tony on the other hand was helping himself to the amenities of the house, which didn't surprise you since you knew his...how many greats? Grandfather. 

 "Ah, there you are Y/N. Are you okay now?" Bruce asked gently, and you nodded as you walked back to the couch to sit next to him. You left some space between you and him because you were still cautious of everyone right now; except Steve. 

"Do you remember anything? Anything about the arm? Anything you can tell us will help us get to whoever did this to you." Bruce asked, his tone turning serious. You glanced down, not sure what to tell them. You don't remember your surroundings that well, they always made sure of that. 

"When I was in the shower I remembered they used to throw freezing water on me when they were conditioning me. I didn't understand it, and I still don't. They also put me in a cell that was so quiet it was going to drive me crazy. I finally just let them do what they want, it didn't really affect me after that.." You mumbled, and Bruce nodded quietly, letting you continued. "I don't remember much about anything...I don't know why. And when I do it's only brief flashes and makes my arm and head hurt." You complained, but slowly let out a calming breath.

  "I only know they did something to me, but I don't know what. I don't know how they connected this damn thing." You lifted up your metal arm and then set it down. You went quiet, and looked away. You felt Steve's hand on your knee, patting it comfortingly. 

"Why do you think they threw the water on you again?" Bruce asked, and he stared at me with a quizzical expression on his face.

"Because I deserved it." The words fell out of your mouth before you could even think about the question. What the hell? Deserved it? You looked down, unable to retort what you just said, but the surprise on your face was noticed. A silence fell upon the room and Bruce nodded.

"I think that's enough for now, you must be exhausted. You should probably sleep." Bruce glanced behind you at Steve and he quickly got the memo standing up.

"Yeah, Y/N...You can use my room...come on." He grabbed your hand and helped you up. You didn't really want to argue considering you were really tired. You felt like you could sleep for a week and still be exhausted. Once you two were back in Steve's bland room, you crawled into the bed under the covers. You heard Steve sigh, as he stood there for a moment in front of you.

"I'm sorry." Was all you heard before you slipped into the void of sleep.

_"Steve!" You shouted, the train was going so fast and you all were so high up. It was terrifying. You gripped onto the side of the train tightly, the mission was so close to being over. You guys were going to get out of this mess once HYDRA was dealt with and that damned Red Faced asshole was killed. The train though hit something, it jolted you. You had just been about to climb up onto the top of the train before you were knocked back more than halfway down the side of the metal deathtrap._

_"Y/N! Hang on!" You heard a grunt, fighting and you tried to keep your grip. But your hands failed you as you felt the train jolt again and Steve coming over the side. Your hand slipped through his and you felt yourself falling through the air again._

_It was always going to be this dream._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How depressing. Hopefully it's going to get better soon :)

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fic, so any constructive criticism would be welcome and appreciated. I want to know what you all like, not just what I want to write. And I want to improve my writing, so please comment and tell me what you think!


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